Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.