Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.