Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''