Jake Funny Status Messages

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.

   It's going to be a Good Friday.

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.