Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

   Knows a way to keep NFL players from acting like sissies, give them all leather helmets to wear again.

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   I am never too busy to draw a d!k on a foggy window

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   Auto correct is like having a 4 year old play mad-libs with your email.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!