Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.