Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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Page: 108 of 177
I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.
My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."
When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.
It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.
Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...
Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.
Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.
Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.
I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.
Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!
People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.
I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.
Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!
Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.
Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.
WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?
All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.
If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.
It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.
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