Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......