Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”