Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.