Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.