Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog crap in my yard.

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   I want to be there when Google takes the street view picture of my address. The possibilities are endless.

   How busy can you actually be if you just took the time to change your online status to say so?

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, & Real Sh!t..

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.