mickey Funny Status Messages

   The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.

   If Trump is AIDS in human form, then Obama is the a$$hole he got it from.

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   there such a thing as a Corned Beef and Cabbage Calzone?

   As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.

   Really now... a show called: "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   I'm such a maverick. I refuse to make Sun tea. I'm making Moon tea, and let me tell you...that $hit's been on the back porch for 8 years and it STILL ain't done.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   Ever notice the Pope's hat looks just like an upside down McDonald's Biggie Fries box?

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.

   Okay so I meet this woman. Deb Bowen. The first thing she says is that she's not high maintenance. I ask, "How so?" She goes, "I prefer Cool Whip over Whipped Cream."

   I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And after all this time no less. I wasn't ignoring you, you simply don't matter that much anymore. Please forgive me, yet my feelings will remain unchanged, Myspace phone app.