GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.