GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.