Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "I didn't tell you I was on my period because I didn't want it to stop you from coming thru" - SELFISH WOMEN
←Rate | 06-05-2018 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?
←Rate | 06-05-2018 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I feel like I have a 1-bit brain with a parity error. This is one of those days.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 07:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
←Rate | 06-05-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.
←Rate | 06-05-2018 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 16:11 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 16:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 15:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 14:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito
←Rate | 06-04-2018 11:29 by Zinc Comments (1)  

   messageicon I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 11:02 by @S4W4N Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.
←Rate | 06-03-2018 23:42 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
←Rate | 06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
←Rate | 06-03-2018 11:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
←Rate | 06-03-2018 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 17:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 17:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 16:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

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