Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...
←Rate | 11-03-2019 11:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 11:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

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