Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
←Rate | 03-11-2018 10:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli
←Rate | 03-11-2018 10:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.
←Rate | 03-11-2018 10:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....
←Rate | 03-11-2018 01:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Fun fact: Trump has been President for 407 days and he just spent his 100th day playing golf
←Rate | 03-11-2018 00:22 Comments (10)  

   messageicon I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 23:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 22:40 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...
←Rate | 03-10-2018 21:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes
←Rate | 03-10-2018 21:16 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Start getting it on with your girl at 1:58 am. Brag to everyone tomorrow that you lasted for over an hour!
←Rate | 03-10-2018 21:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 20:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 19:53 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time
←Rate | 03-10-2018 17:59 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*
←Rate | 03-10-2018 12:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:50 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

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