Paul Funny Status Messages

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   Ever see a flower poking up through a crack in the sidewalk? The crack represents the troubles in your life, the flower is the possibilities.

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   I saw a sign on the lawn in front of a 7-11 the other day, It read "Stay off the grass". I thought it was a weird place for a "Say no to drugs" message.

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!...WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!! Crap, didn't work.

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...