Mark M Funny Status Messages

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

   Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

   The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.