Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ