Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me