Badd status Funny Status Messages

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress