@ballysboots Funny Status Messages

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut....

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....

   It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery. Every time I call in sick they make me come in....

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...