@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."