Jake Funny Status Messages

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   paying a porn star hush money tax deductible

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"