the Legal Eagle Funny Status Messages

   ...Justin Bieber is new spokesperson for Proactiv. No wonder he has his hair combed forward. His forehead must look like Courtney Love's ass.

   ...Couple who said they had pix of John Stamos w/underage girl in hot tub were indicted for extortion. Turns out the "girl" was Justin Bieber!

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”

   Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, b*tch, wh*re?”

   Woman claims Brett Favre texted her penisshots. At first he said he wasn't gonna do it, then he did, then wasn't going to again, then did…

   ...Wyclef Jean disqualified for Haitian Presidency. Hey, that's no fair! If we elected an unqualified black man, why can't they?

   Wyclef Jean to run for President of Haiti. That would be cool. Then he could totally start a band called The ReFugees.

   The Hoff's singing is huge in Germany. He should be proud. Germans have always been known 4 their sound judgment

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   Artist makes portrait of Rachael Ray using Cheetos. Unfortunately, a ravenous Oprah devoured the entire thing while visiting the set.

   ...Kim Kardash begs fan NOT 2 get surgery 2 look like her. Kim's right. Someone in porn shoulda begged Heidi Montag not 2 look like one of THEM!

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   Justin Bieber to write memoir at 16. I hear his voice changes halfway through the audiobook when he goes thru puberty.

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   ...Playboy launches work-friendly website. Still be nude girls but on every other page will be a naked pic of Hef to reduce workers' erections.

   16yr-old Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen says her bff is her vibrator. In creepier news, Justin Bieber says he won't leave home w/o his buttplug!

   ...Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!

   ...Ellen DeGeneres has left “American Idol.” Oh great, she quits the show where she DOESN'T dance like a retard.