scottyp Funny Status Messages

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   I tried to look up the Kelly Blue Book value of my car and it said before it could tell me it needed to know how much gas was in it....

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   From what I can tell, a Boomerang is just a Frisbee for people who don't have any friends...

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.