m Funny Status Messages

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.