doc noland Funny Status Messages

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions