acreak Funny Status Messages

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

   If everyday is a gift then today's gift is a box of straws cuz it sucks.

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!

   No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.

   Dear Punxsutawney Phil, If you are not frozen, please come out of your little home tomorrow morning with your eyes closed(so you don't see your shadow) and flip everyone off. That should sum up this winter.

   Marco....marco.....marco??? Oh Osama you're not playing anymore?

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   So now that Osama came out and saw his shadow and got killed does that mean we still have 2 more years of Obama?

   Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   Your silence is golden because the words you said before are tarnished with lies.

   Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that I get to go around and tell people they have a nice "ash" and not get funny looks or get in trouble.

   Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.