Slickpony Funny Status Messages

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....

   so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....

   you know....I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader"....but I can buy booze!....so Booyah B!itches!!

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   so....my uncle came out of the closet yesterday....Oh, he's not gay....he just has Alzheimer's and thought it was his car....

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?

   you know....right now I'm pretty disgusted with MIA....OH, not for giving America the finger....but because we were >this< close to forgetting her annoying ass ever existed....

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   so....I think if you win The Voice, you should get to motorboat Christina Aguilera....but, to be fair, if you lose....you have to motorboat Cee Lo Green....

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....