Mick Funny Status Messages

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   "You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.