MC Fazzerino Funny Status Messages

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.

   In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   Look..I'm not trying to be difficult...it actually comes easy to me.

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

   Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.