DocNoland Funny Status Messages

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

   I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   Was gonna make a subtle joke about the Rueben I got at a deli the other day but I'm not sure everyone would appreciate the rye humor.

   Friend zoned your wife again

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   I just want to be fit enough to put my seatbelt on, without crying.

   Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   -I think one of my friends gets the award for “most insightful drunk” for his comment, “It’s such a nice night…if only the sun were out!” Too bad he didn’t get to see much more of that night.

   what does a fella have to do to get a beautiful girl to come home with him and check him to tumors. I just wanna be safe!