Destiiny Funny Status Messages

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible

   Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

   My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears

   You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. 40 people died

   BOB THE BUILDER CAN WE FIX IT! Bob: ummm not right now I'm on facebook