@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   The gym manager just gave me a dirty look....Apparently, reverse cowgirl is not an appropriate way to ride the exercise bike.

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!