@OMFG_Rel8able Funny Status Messages

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   I can't decide whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look ugly..:D

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!!!!

   When I see your face, there's nothing that I would change. LOL JK, I'd change the direction I'm walking in.

   They say, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it!!

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.