Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.