joser Funny Status Messages

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   1f you c4n r34d th1s you r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

   No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch...

   I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.