flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.