andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman

   Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.