Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   If it wasn't for sex, I would have quit being a grown-up a long time ago.

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.