Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.