nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   I don't know why some girls refuse to use a porta-potty. It's not like us men pee on the seat on purpose...geesh:)

   Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)

   I think Facebook should have a status limit per day. This is not Twitter, shut the f*ck up, nobody cares.

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   OMG!!! I am so f'd up...I drank so much last night..i woke up in my own vomit! Party!....woohoo!..I just chugged more vodka to cure the hangover!.....(this didn't happen, just wanted to fit in in Facebook).

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.

   You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....

   Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.

   Farmville......Fishville??? Are you serious??? Just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"......I'll be there:)

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.