jake Funny Status Messages

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   digesting the fact you've moved onto better things.. LOL JKS you're new boyfriend looks like a retard.

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.

   Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.