flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.