StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.