Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.