KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.

   Okay ladies, here is the deal, we will stop talking about masturbation if you stop talking about your period. Fair trade.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?

   ME: "I wasn't that drunk!" MY FRIEND: “Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.”

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing