JOser Funny Status Messages

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   I don't mind going to work. It's that 8 hour wait to go home that sucks!

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?