GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.