andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.