Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Furnace quit working and I woke up to a house that was 59 degrees. For a minute there, I thought I was married again:)

   Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.

   I think my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute, did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it.

   Ever wonder if you ordered something online, forget what you ordered and get mad because it still hasn't came yet?

   "We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed