GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ