@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   My cousin told me he was gay today. What an idiot, coming out in weather like this.

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   My dog ate a condom last night. Try explaining THAT to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse!

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.

   Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   donates £2 a month to starving Africans - and what do they do? Go out and buy a f-kin trumpet!

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.

   Jordan says, "I'm devastated, Alex has left a gaping hole in my life." Come off it Katie that's been there since your early teens!

   I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

   Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied. … then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.